Are you meeting the
requirements?
I hope you have
already begun your journey to the ultimate goal of life, by doing your very
best to meet the requirements I set out for you in The User Guide to Life.
If so, well done. I am very proud of you.
You
will also have found out that it isn’t
at all easy to meet those basic requirements. You will know by now that your
mind doesn’t always do as it is told and that
you don’t always have enough inner strength
to follow those commands through. You will also have dealt with a lot of
confusion, not knowing the right thing to do, or what to do next. Above all, by
now you must have a very good feeling for the “law
of change”, which governs everything, from
your own thoughts and feelings to the world surrounding you and beyond.
This law of change is the main reason for the extra difficulties during the first part of your spiritual journey. One day you might feel strong and inspired to do the right thing. The next day, you might feel the total opposite: lethargic, weak and just wanting to give in to your unhealthy thoughts. Don’t worry; you are not alone. It is quite normal to feel this way. Everyone, who is walking the path to the ultimate enlightenment or to The Kingdom of God, has to face this kind of inner dilemma all the time.
This
book aims to help you to tackle the heart of this problem - your constantly
changing mind.
Although
I have left you with the last confidence-booster, I feel however, that it is
necessary to give you yet another boost of trust in your guide before we
continue the rest of our journey. You must have realized by now that this is
not just any trip; this is about the journey which will take you to the ultimate
goal of life. I know it must sound surreal to you but this is exactly what I am
offering you on this journey. Therefore, having high confidence in your guide
is of the utmost importance. Not to mention the spiritual guide, if you simply
want to go to a remote island in the Pacific where you have never been before,
you must have high confidence in your map, guide or navigator. You cannot
afford to take any chances at all because you know you may get lost. A
spiritual journey to the ultimate goal of life is a much more complex matter. If
you get lost during a physical journey, you will find out sooner or later and
try to find the right way to your destination. This is not the case as far as
the spiritual journey to the ultimate goal of life is concerned. It is because
you cannot always identify your problem and therefore you don’t
know whether you are being lost in the spiritual jungle or not. Even if you do
know you are lost, as long as you don’t
have an enlightened teacher guiding the way out for you, you will never make
your way to the ultimate destination either. Every spiritual teacher can teach
only of what they know but cannot teach more than what they know. Only the
enlightened teacher can lead you all the way to the ultimate destination of
life.
The Buddha’s
teachers were lost in the spiritual jungle too.
When
the Buddha reached his ultimate enlightenment and decided to teach; the first
two persons he thought of were his meditation teachers. Alara and Uddaka, had attained the
highest level of meditation practice and taught the young prince Siddhartha
everything they knew. They also knew that they hadn’t
yet found the ultimate truth, which could end all suffering but could not do
anything about it. As far as the ultimate truth is concerned, if you don’t
know, it means you don’t know. You will know by
way of being guided by an enlightened person, adopt the practice as guided and
carry on with the practice until attaining the enlightenment yourself. That is
the only way to do it. That’s why the two meditation
teachers had to rely on the enlightenment of the young prince. Only with the
help of the Buddha, could they be free from this tiresome samsara or the cycle
of rebirth. Indeed, it was a great shame that by the time of the Prince’s
enlightenment and becoming a Buddha, the two teachers had just passed away and
were reborn in a Brahma world, which had very long life span. They had indeed
missed the golden opportunity of listening to the teaching of the Buddha and
become enlightened themselves. This is a great shame to those who truly
understand the significance of ultimate enlightenment and permanently leave the
tedious samsara behind.
This
is the reason why it is so important to have high confidence in your spiritual
guide. Your faith will help your mind to root deeper and will speed up your
journey to your final destination. Thus, I am going to tell you a bit more
about what had happened in my life after I had finished the first part of this
book in the early months of 2000 up until now.
As
for me, I had written another two books during these three years. Right after I
had finished the English version of the first part of this book, I began
writing the Thai version right away. During that time while I was writing,
because of the changes in my heart that was not at all easy for anyone to
understand, I went through a great deal of conflict with my husband. There was
a major thing in our married life that we could not agree on and the tension
went on for a few months. The word “divorce”
was said a few times around the end of year 2000. I decided to make a plan to
go back to Thailand and intended to stay much longer than before so that we
could give each other some space, reflect on our problems and hopefully resolve
them. I bought a six months plane ticket and cancelled my summer term teaching.
Although my husband and I were on good terms a couple months before my trip in
April 2001, I still went ahead with my original plan to stay for the whole
three months. Because I wanted some quiet time on my own so that I could
complete writing that book without having to juggle alongside the housework too.
That was the longest stay I had ever done, apart from my very first trip some 20
years ago when I took my first born to see my family, and stayed for three
months. With the help of my
attorney friend, Noi, who went through lots of trouble to find me different
ideal places where I could write in peace, I managed to complete the book while
I was there. It took me nearly twelve months to complete the seven hundred
pages of Koo Meu Cheewit, the Thai version of The User
Guide to Life with three hundred pages more than the English version.
During
my time in Thailand from April to June 2001, I also took the chance to arouse
my publisher into taking serious action on my works. This resulted in the
publication of my two books, A Handful of Leaves and The
User guide to Life (book one), which were released within six months of
each other. Although these two books have been on sale only in Thailand, they
have, however, put me in touch with many readers some of who were western
tourists passing through Thailand
and some living in Thailand. I
have actually met quite a few of those readers later on in retreats, which I
led. My emailing list is also getting longer as time moves on.
Before
I returned to Britain in June 2001, my attorney friend, Noi, who had been my
main and only supporter up to that point asked me to translate Can a
Caterpillar be Perfect?” into Thai for the
benefit of our fellow Thai people.
As I was contemplating doing so, a bizarre event happened during the
summer of 2001. What happened could be described as that I was more or less
dictated, or I should say “hand-tied”,
to write a book that I had never thought of before and had no intention to
write whatsoever. My head was suddenly inundated with my own story relating to
my past mental and spiritual experiences. I never liked the idea of writing an
autobiography especially at an unripe age. It is all right if the person is old
enough (60s plus) and had a great deal of experience and wisdom to share with
others. Nevertheless, at that point, it seemed like I was going to take the
hypocritical route and do the very thing that I was opposed to. Although I was 47 at the time and can
hardly say I was young, I still thought it wasn’t
the right age to write an autobiography. But why did I feel so compelled to do
it? Please don’t ask me who put such strong desire
in my head and heart. My guess is as good as yours. I really didn’t
know then and still don’t know now.
What
was even more bizarre was that even the title of the book was given to me. When
I thought I would play along with the confusing event in my head and get some
clear idea of what I was supposed to do at the time, I asked: “What
do you want me to write?”. As soon as the
question ended, the answer shot straight into my head. The implication of the
title startled me and left me feeling horrified! How weird could it get?!
I
haven’t yet found the English equivalent
to that Thai phrase. Nevertheless, the direct translation would be something
like “Boasting the dhamma, which truly
exists within oneself”. Indeed, it was a mouthful
of a title no matter how I put it, even in the Thai language.
Although
the word “boasting”
doesn’t have very good connotations, it is
the direct translation. The reason was the Buddha condemned and punished monks
who boasted of attainments which they did not have. This issue touches a very
profound level of Buddhist practice and only Buddhist scholars would know about
such issue, but to what extent is still another matter, because it has
everything to do with the achievements of meditation practice. It was ambiguous
exactly which dhamma experience they referred to. I guess this must have
referred to the higher state of spiritual experience. Anyway, monks who boasted
about their non-existing spiritual attainments would have to bear the most
severe punishment - being disrobed from the monkhood .
Nevertheless,
it wasn’t wrong if monks boasted about the
spiritual experience, which actually existed within themselves. Although the word “boasting”
was still being used for the opposite sense, it actually meant announcing,
proclaiming or simply talking about it. For example, the Buddha as well as his
enlightened followers had to talk about the state of Nirvana, which they had
attained to during their teaching. If the Buddha did not know it, or had not
reached it, he could not teach about it, could he? Nor could his enlightened
followers. This subject is not a very common issue nowadays because of its
profoundness and also because it isn’t
easy to find anyone to verify the matter should a case occur. Lay Buddhists
wouldn’t understand much and even most
Buddhist scholars would, however, like to connect this term with the most
serious punishment of the monkhood order.
I
first heard about this term being used some 27 years ago. A right hand monk to
the abbot of a monastery was disrobed on the ground of boasting the spiritual
experience, which did not exist within himself. I knew it was a very big
accusation and I wanted to know more details about how his teacher managed to
come to such a conclusion and so on. But the whole situation was very well
wrapped and secretive. I couldn’t get anyone, even a
friend, who was in the inner circle of this temple, to talk or comment about it
at all. When I asked, they made me feel like I was too nosey. All these tight-lipped
business tended to add more intrigues and spice up the matter. I simply just
wanted to understand. After that incident, however, I had never heard of this
kind of serious matter again.
To
my horror, I never thought that I would be the one who brought this most controversial
title up in my own book. Indeed, life is full of surprises. I could have never
guessed I would be doing this.
That’s
why I was astounded and horrified when I first heard this title in my head
after I asked for it. It was loud, clear and definite. I fought hard and
dismissed that echo in my head as some rubbish thoughts and tried to chase
Jerry out of my head. I made several attempts to discredit myself even
admitting to my own insanity and madness. I fought to ignore this title for a
few months but my attempts were in vain. There was no backing down from the
other end. That decree was meant to stay firm until I had completed my task,
which I found out much later.
I
had every right to be alarmed by the given title of this book. Should I go
ahead and use it as decreed, not to mention that the general public would look
at the owner of such title as being extremely over confident and mad. The
Buddhist critics would tear me to pieces. This is sheer suicide. It wouldn’t
be too far off from giving myself up for public execution. And who, in their
right mind, wants to do that? Why did I want to strip my family and myself
naked for people’s inspection? I know I
might have had courage to talk and comment on certain things but certainly not
about my life under that highly sensitive and potentially controversial title. It
was the most bizarre experience I had come across so far.
To
cut the story short, I was hand-tied to work on this book for nearly another
twelve months. The process of writing this book was very confusing during the
first six months, as I was busy fighting with the decree in my head and didn’t
know what I was doing, which was very unprofessional for an author. It was also
painful when I had to talk about some unpleasant family affairs. Not until the
last four months of writing when everything began to fall into place, could I understand more clearly why I
had to write that book so suddenly and unexpectedly. There is also one more good
reason, which you will find out very soon. I now realise that I was in a
transitional period of change and this book was a means to help me to
understand myself and all the extraordinary spiritual experiences that had
happened to me in the past up to that very stage of my life. It was especially
about confirming to myself about the nature of the ultimate truth, which before
that point, I never really thought much about, apart from naturally dwell in it.
That transitional period had stirred up a great deal of wisdom within myself
and forced me to answer the most significant question regarding my entire work,
which was whether or not I was self-deluded. I was guided into talking about
the detailed encounters of certain experiences, that may benefit those who want
to follow this path.
Maybe
this was the main reason I was told to write. Had I not put them down in
writing, they would have all
vanished. As time moves on, I realise I cannot remember a lot of the
feelings and the struggle to get over them, especially the painful ones, simply
because I don’t feel it anymore. I can no longer
remember the joy and all the nostalgic tangled feelings of listening to my
favorite Thai music. They don’t mean anything to me at
all now. This significant change within myself is one of the main reasons that
caused me to motivate myself to write because it can endanger the disappearance
of the ultimate truth. I can easily see myself sit back and relax as if nothing
really matters in the world, even human suffering.
I
have moved on since then, and the stage I am now at is the result of that
transitional period I mentioned above. As far as confirming the ultimate truth
is concerned, I came out with greater conviction than I had before writing that
book. I will translate this book into English when I can get around to it.
While I was
writing that potentially controversial book in Britain, I was waiting
attentively for the news from my publisher about their decision to print the
Thai version of The User Guide to Life, which in Thai is pronounced Koo
Meu Cheewit. I was anxious
to have this book published rather quickly because it contained all the
practical advice which I wanted all my family and friends to read. The sooner
they read it, the quicker they can endeavor on their spiritual journey as time
is running out for everyone. That's how I view it anyway.
I
assumed that my publisher would like to publish that book as a continuation of
my work after the four previous books they had published for me, one in Thai
and three in English. I had every reason to assume so because the owner of the
publishing house had told me himself in one of our meetings in Bangkok during
those three months of my stay. He said that he was particularly interested to
publish my work in the Thai language. The first few months passed without any
news. I phoned a few times and sent a few letters but still had no progress. I
decided to ask my attorney friend, Noi, and a male reader, Pat, who emailed me
and was willing to help me with my work, to have meetings with my publisher. After
a few meetings, it was clear that my publisher could no longer help me with the
publication of my work without any apparent explanation apart from financial
difficulties. I got over this set back very quickly without any hard feeling
and felt grateful to them in helping me deliver my thoughts to people up to
that point. I also learnt not to assume anything.
My two friends, Noi and Pat, helped me
search for another publisher who was willing to take me under their wing. They
finally found a rather new publishing house, which was rising to fame due to
the publications of a few famous Buddhist books. After they read Koo Meu
Cheewit, they agreed to print it for me but we (my friends and I) had to meet
half of the printing cost. We didn’t
mind as long as they printed and sold the book for us. That is all that matters.
I
thought it was a good idea to have a well-known Thai person to put a positive
view on this book, Koo Meu Cheewit . I approached a Buddhist
critic as well as a monk who had produced much well known Buddhist literature. I
asked him to write a foreword for Koo Meu Cheewit and he agreed. Although his
foreword contained many positive views, as a foreword should be, it was also
tainted with some criticism. On a separate sheet of paper, he wrote me a letter
warning me, with the best intentions, about some sensitive sentences I had
put in my book. He pointed out a
few places where he thought the use of words implied that I might have “boasted
about my spiritual experience!” and I could be self-deluded!
Although
he did not explain clearly whether I boasted about the existing or the non-existing
spiritual achievement within myself, it was obvious that he referred to the
latter one. If I were a monk, I would be asking for the harshest punishment.
That
was indeed a massive challenge to my wisdom and my entire work. I might as well
get used to it now, since I am sure there will be many more to come in the
future after the publication of my books. It is important that I can stand up
to this huge challenge once and for all. Otherwise, there will not be any book
to write. Hence, my argument from this point onward is not for a particular
person but for all future critics who may have the same view as the Buddhist
critic I approached.
After I went back to browse through Koo
Meu Cheewit, which by then I had completed over 12 months before, I realised
the critic did not grasp the true spirit of this book. In fact, this book was
the continuation of my previous book, A Handful of Leaves, which
had also been published in Thai. In A Handful of Leaves, I talked
about my extraordinary experience happening while I was running my Tai chi
class in the Autumn term of 1997. That was the first time I could talk about
the state of Nirvana with great confidence. The User Guide to Life or
Koo Meu Cheewit was the continuation of my previous spiritual
achievement. To be able to understand The User Guide to Life, it is important
that one must read my previous book too. Reading just the latter is not enough
to make any sound judgment. Besides, I have created more English work than
Thai, all my regular emails written in English to my students is my way to
enhance the main concept in the books. Only a few Thai people have had the
chance to read these recent works of mine.
My ultimate experience
is the core of the book
What
the Buddhist critic referred to as the “very
sensitive words” and kindly asked me to remove them,
was in fact, the core of the book. The User Guide to Life or
Koo Meu Cheewit was based on the sole fact that I had known the
ultimate experience. This fact was used as a foundation, upon which the whole
structure of the book was built. Without that ultimate experience I claimed I
knew, I wouldn’t have anything to write about
whatsoever. As I looked into it, I began to wonder whether the Buddhist critic
had read the whole book or just simply browsed through it. Because he asked me
to removed fewer than ten different words and phrases among the seven hundred
pages, which was made up of hundreds of thousands of words. In fact, such “sensitive
words” were smeared on every single page
of this book whether they were direct or mere implications. The whole spirit of
this book was based on this sole fact. Had I removed them as the critic had
suggested, the whole structure of this book would have collapsed. Hence, what
is the point to remove just a few of them?
Besides,
as far as revealing my ultimate experience was concerned, Koo Meu Cheewit
was nothing comparing to the book I wrote after that. The potentially controversial book I
talked of earlier was meant to answer the ultimate question brought up by
future critics “Am I self-deluded?”.
It explains everything regarding the heart of this sensitive issue. Please don’t
ask me how I knew I needed to write a whole book just to answer that one
question. That was the point, I didn’t
know then that I had to face such a challenge in the near future. The foreword
of Koo Meu Cheewit arrived a few months after I had finished
writing that potentially controversial book. Maybe that’s
why I was hand-tied to write that book. Nevertheless, should the latter book be
published in the future too, there was even more reason not to make any changes
in Koo Meu Cheewit at all.
With all the above reasons, I did not
think the Buddhist critic’s foreword was
appropriate for my book. Although there were praises, the critical content, no
matter how short they were would undoubtedly plant the seedling of uncertainty
in readers’ minds too prematurely. This impact
would ruin the whole purpose of this book. Any criticism should be released
following the publication of the book, printed separate from the book and
definitely not within the book. I don’t
think there are any authors, no matter how open minded, who would allow a
critical view in the front pages of their book.
Besides,
Thai people are still very much thinking within the frame of traditional values.
If they had to choose between
listening to a monk or a woman who still shares the same bed with her husband,
on the subject of Buddhism, of course, I stand no chance whatsoever.
The
incident about the Buddhist critic’s
comments happened just five or six weeks before my husband and I went back to
Thailand for a three weeks holiday in September 2002.
After I returned from Thailand in June 2001,
I realized that it was down to me to keep this family together, so I did my
very best to compromise our differences and our family life began to slip back
to its normality once again. The horrific event of September 11 2001 caused a
lot of people not to take life for granted any more, and we should appreciate
life all the more while we are alive. I was feeling just the same as others, if
not more. Having put my husband through a lot of unhappiness during the
previous two years, I tried to make it up to him. He had also been working very
hard to provide for his family and I must admit I have been a much bigger
spender than my husband had. I took a big chunk of his hard earned savings to
invest into the publication of my first book some ten years ago. I thought he
deserved to have a very good holiday. I then suggested we should have a holiday
together, just the two of us and treated it as our 25th anniversary
cerebration, which we put three years forward. A trendy decision after 9/11.
I
let him choose his ideal place of holiday and I would go along with it wherever
it would be. He chose Thailand. It didn’t
surprise me at all. That would be his second trip to Thailand after our 22 years
of marriage. So Thailand it was! We booked our holiday for mid September 2002,
which was three months after my hysterectomy. As we were walking to the gate to
board the plane, I suddenly realised that it was the first time my husband and
I walked through the departure lounge at Heathrow airport together. Before that
it was always my husband who was out there on the other side waving and
stretching this neck to see me walking through the departure lounge alone or
with my boys. In fact, the five of us went back to Thailand in 1995 but I went
ahead two weeks before them so that I could spend some time with my mother
before they arrived. This trip, however, was a total surprise for my family. They
did not expect to see me so soon especially my turning up with my husband.
During
this trip, I had a chance to meet up with four people who knew me through my
book A Handful of Leaves in Thai version. They seemed very
enthusiastic to meet me so that they could offer me help regarding the printing
of my future books. There were six people including me in that first meeting,
one was a university lecturer, one was a lady Buddhist book critic, one owned a
book-shop where the meeting was held, Pat, who had been of assistance to me for
some time now and Noi my attorney friend since high school.
I took with me the first draft of my
latest book which I had finished a few months before and introduced it to the
people at the meeting. I let them have a copy each. I also brought along the
foreword of the Buddhist critic including his letter regarding the sensitive
issue he warned me about, with good intentions. I brought the subject up and
told them there was no point in printing that foreword in my book for the
reasons I have already stated. Apart from Noi and Pat, the other three had not
yet read the draft copy of Koo Meu Cheewit, so they didn’t
have much idea what I was talking about. We had another meeting towards the end
of our holiday because I wanted to see the feedback on my potentially
controversial book from the refined lady who was also the Buddhist critic. She
didn’t comment much apart from asking me
to consider carefully about the specific two chapters in that book.
I
didn’t have a chance to meet up with my
new publisher due to the lack of time. I, however, talked with the lady on the
phone. She was very positive about the book and told me how much her husband
enjoyed reading the typescript of Koo Meu Cheewit. She also told
me that the book would be published by December 2002 if everything went as
planned. I was rather relieved to see everything turning out rather promising
up to that point, but still couldn’t
help having some reservations to the law of change. Just in case something
might go wrong at the last minute.
Another set back!
After our return
from holiday, I had an email from the university lecturer. She had talked to
the Buddhist critic and thought the monk’s
foreword would be very complimentary to my book if only I could compromise with
his suggestion by removing those few sensitive words and phrases.
I
could see those few people hadn’t yet grasp the spirit
of this book either. It was not because I wasn’t
open minded enough. It was more like out of the question because the whole
structure of the book would collapse. And it was difficult to convince people
who had not yet gone through the training with me. The expressions in my books
only revealed parts of me and my knowledge, not all. Those who had not gone
through the training with me in my class until experiencing the innocent
perception, would find it harder to understand my expressions, jargon and use
of words than those who had.
I
decided to sit down and write all the reasons why I could not compromise with
the Buddhist critic’s comments. I sent my
letter together with the monk’s letter stating his
point of view about my book and post them to those five people at the meeting
as well as the publisher.
Whilst I was thinking that everyone
would agree with my reasoning, one day towards the end of October 2002, I had
an email from Pat telling me that he had just talked to the publisher and the
couple decided to withdraw the publication of Koo Meu Cheewit. That was only
two months before its completion. I asked Pat for their reasons. He said he
didn’t know because they wouldn’t
tell him. Nevertheless, I knew it in my heart that this must have everything to
do with my letter and the critic’s
comments.
At
that point, I was more concerned for my friend Noi and those few people who
wanted to support me. I phoned Noi right away and she had only just found out
from me. Noi said that if it had something to do with the comment, she wasn’t
surprised in the slightest because this publishing house was a rising star in
the publication business and they could not afford to publish any potentially
controversial material and cause a scandal. Although I didn’t
know the reason for this sudden withdrawal, I knew the couple must feel rather
bad in letting me down without giving me any reason. After all, it was their
wish to print my book at the first place. I emailed Pat right away and asked
him to tell the couple that whatever the reasons that caused them to withdraw
the publication of my book, I would understand. I wanted them to know that
there was no hard feelings from me at all. And told them not to worry too much
about it. They must do what was right for them.
Supported by an A list
Buddhist author
The
university lecturer emailed me on the next day after she had talked to the
publisher. She said that the publisher had taken my letter and the critic’s
comment to a very well known Buddhist author in Thailand. He was a veteran
Buddhist scholar and had produced a great number of most exquisite Buddhist
literatures some of which I had used as references in my books. This author had
read the typescripts of Koo Meu Cheewit and he agreed with the
critic’s point of view. This Buddhist
author was also the honorable consultant of this publishing house.
If
I compare the Buddhist critic I approached as a B or C list figure, this author
is indeed an A list person. It isn’t
because I want to compare people. I just want you to know the scale of
difficulties I have been facing in Thailand as far as propagating the Buddha’s
teaching is concerned. If a famous Buddhist author does not agree with my work,
what chance do I have? At least now, I knew the reason for the withdrawal of
the publication of my book. During those few days, I was more concerned about
the feelings of those few people. This unfortunate twist must really have
shaken their confidence in me and I didn’t
know at the time whether they were still behind me or not. It wasn’t
easy trying to clarify myself, being six thousand miles away. I could have
given up and stopped all my work in Thailand. Nevertheless, up to that critical
point, if I still insisted in helping people, I saw it was my duty to do my
very best to mend the melt-down situation. I must convince those few people so
that they could act as my extended arms and legs in Thailand and push my works
forward for me. Without them, I could not possibly help those who I wish to
help.
I
emailed back and asked them to hold a meeting and I wrote them a long email
representing my speech in the meeting. In trying to repair their confidence in
me, I gave them three options to choose from regarding the printing of Koo Meu Cheewit:
1)
If they still agreed with the contents I
wanted to deliver in that book and still wanted to support me, go ahead with
the publication somehow and damn the consequences!
2)
Bin all my works! If they felt it was too
much of a risk and did not want to be part of this controversy, I told them to
feel free to walk away then. Just withdraw and stop everything. I didn’t
mind at all. This book was for other people’s
benefit and not for my own benefit. If they wanted to help me so that I could
help others, I appreciated very much. If they, however, didn’t
want to help me, I would accept it without any hard feelings.
3)
To avoid all the problems, I suggested that
they keep my works in safe place and print them after I had died.
Damn the consequences!
I
went on to explain that whatever the consequences would be, positive or
negative, we would have to face them with bravery. And that courage would have
to be compatible to their meditation practice. I said that we didn’t
have to talk about any positive result but we should hypothetically look ahead
into the worst scenario. If this book, however, would unfortunately offend Thai
people so overwhelmingly after the publication, I said that I would take this
disastrous consequence with silent reaction. I would not entangle myself in a
war of words just trying to prove my points because I thought I had said enough
in my books. I didn’t have to explain myself
outside the contents of my books. I did not need to do so and I will not do so
either. And I would like my supporters to do the same, should they still want
to support me, of course. I said that when the storm had calmed down, which it
certainly would eventually, by then, if there was just one person in Thailand
who read that book and was willing to do everything as I guided, it would be
worth it. If there were ten people who might benefit from my books, that would
be a great bonus for us. What else could I ask for? And I really meant every word I said.
Take it or leave it
I
told them that I did not set out writing books to make money, to find fame or
building an empire. If I wanted lots of money, I would have gone to work in a
Thai restaurant and I would have been very rich by now like many other Thai
girls here in England. I felt compelled to write because I thought it would be
selfish of me not to share my knowledge with others. So, this is my way to help
people to witness the ultimate truth which is right in front of them. My duty
ended after the books had been written. I would do my very best further to
deliver my words to people by having the book published. At the University of
Birmingham, I gave every student in my class a copy of A Handful of Leaves
printed on A4 papers and a floppy disc containing the whole contents of The
User Guide to Life. Because I knew very few students were willing to spend
their money on my books. Should I really want money, I wouldn’t
have given away dozens of floppy discs, especially in the world of today when
lawyers make lots of money over libel cases regarding copyrights. I am indeed
the right material for being exploited but I don’t
care. Whoever wants to exploit me, it is their karma they have to worry about,
not mine. Thus, it could only mean
I wanted to do everything I could to help that one person I aimed for. By then,
my task really ended. Once my books fall into people’s
hands and they had read them, they could either take my advice, do what I had
guided them or simply bin it if they didn’t
like it. The choice would be theirs to make, not mine. No one could write a book to please
everyone. It wouldn’t change anything on my
part because my duty was done.
Who would listen to an unknown person?
There
was a point that the critic brought up in his letter and initially I found it
hard to grasp. The critic said something like how did I expect readers to
believe in what I had claimed, since I wasn’t
a well known person in Thailand, no one knew me and I was also a woman who was
still leading a family life. He asked me whether I was self-deluded and said
that I wasn’t the first one. There were many who
claimed so in the history of Buddhism. He said that for lay Buddhists, they
would not take notice in what I said because I was not famous. As to Buddhist
scholars, they would view my book as a laughing matter. He was very forthright
with me, which was very good in testing my hidden ego.
With all due respect to the Buddhist
critic who warned me with good intentions, but what he said, it sounded almost
like the male in yellow robes had a monopoly in propagating the teaching of the
Buddha. In plain words, the critic’s
remark implied that a woman of my status could not possibly achieve the
spiritual experience I had claimed. As being a no-name person, who would listen
to me? He had a very good point, which reflected the Thai attitude towards
women in relating to the Buddhist institution. I, however, tried to answer to
the question of fame to those few people, which, I felt later on, might have
confused my supporters. Nevertheless, this is one of the issues I will talk
about later on as the book is progressing.
How tough are you to
brave the storm?
So,
I told those few people that if they still wanted to support me on this
project, they had to be extremely brave to face the worst consequences. And if
they thought they did not have enough courage to do so, I would rather they
withdrew their support. I didn’t mind in the slightest
because it was them who had to face the music if the unfavorable event happened.
I said that whoever wanted to help me pushing this book forward, they had to
seriously practise the dhamma especially meditation. Otherwise, they would not
have enough strength to brave the storm. I said that this was the beginning of
my work and being a woman of my status, I could only see a long steep hill
ahead. There won’t be any easy ride for a
long time yet.
Am I self-deluded?!
Just such a
question is what one must expect to be challenged with, if one chooses to come
forward and talk about the ultimate truth. It isn’t
at all uncommon. Should a question be asked relating to other topics, we
normally seek help from experts on that particular subject. Someone might claim
his formula of diet was good for losing weight and insisted he was right. Therefore,
we needed medical experts or nutritionists to verify such claims. We listen to
experts in different field of knowledge because we trust that they know best
and they know what they are talking about. In the end, experts will be the best
of judges of whether the claimed
person is self-deluded or not.
Nevertheless,
when the subject focused on is the nature of the ultimate truth, who in the
world can verify such knowledge? Who will be the expert and the best to judge
on this ultimate issue? By logic, the person who can verify this claim has to
know the ultimate truth himself. If you want to judge whether a candidate can
swim or not, you must know how to swim yourself. If the judge had no knowledge
of the ultimate truth himself, how on earth could he judge whether the claimed
person had the ultimate knowledge or not?
As
far as my knowledge is concerned, whoever wants to judge me must at least know
what exactly I mean by “the innocent perception”
first. I normally make sure that my students could share this simple experience
with me first before I slowly connect it to the big words like Nirvana, God,
Tao, The Tree of Life and the ultimate truth. And how can one learn about the
innocent perception? Of course, it has to come from me because I created this
word myself after I had seen the experience. I am sure you realise that we are
now dealing with the most fundamental issues here. This is the most difficult
matter to deal with because the best judge on this matter has long gone.
During
the Buddha’s time, if his followers had any
doubt whether a disciple might have reached the ultimate enlightenment or not,
they could always go to the sublime Buddha and asked for his verification. With
whom we can consult nowadays? Although I know there are enlightened people in
the world, that doesn’t mean they will reveal
themselves and are accessible to people.
The ultimate knowledge
is self-knowledge
The
point is that the enlightened ones who claim to know the ultimate truth, need
no verification from others, they must verify for themselves. If the
enlightened ones are still seeking for endorsement from others, it means that
they haven’t yet reached the ultimate knowledge.
It is because the ultimate knowledge is self-complete and self-endorsement. Whoever
has experience of the ultimate enlightenment, they would know that this is “it”;
this is the one. In fact, it does make a lot of sense. Without these crucial
ingredients, otherwise, it cannot be claimed the ultimate knowledge. Ultimate
means the end of the string, final and no more running to find a teacher. That’s
it…finish…the end!
Therefore,
no one can help me on this final matter. I have to be the one to answer to
myself whether I am deluded or not. Indeed, this is the ultimate challenge for
anyone who is mad enough to come forward and makes such a claim. In the past, I
kept on saying that I must be either insane or I knew exactly what I was
talking about. I will not make such a statement anymore. That is because an
insane person cannot possibly give you all these reasons to back up the claim.
Thai people place
Buddhism on a high shelf
Thai people are brought up to view
Nirvana as an extremely remote goal to achieve and are keen to place this
supreme concept of life on a very high platform. Buddhist teachings are also
encrusted with thick layers of jargon, which ordinary people find impossible to
understand. Teachers who have not yet confirmed the ultimate knowledge for
themselves also create additional confusion and complexity in this ancient
wisdom by putting emphasis on rituals, ceremonies and objects for worship which
allow merchants to exploit Buddhism even further. Consequently, even Buddhists
with high potential, tend to think they are under qualified for the supreme
achievement. This is half of the problem that is responsible for the
deterioration of the Thai Buddhist institution. We are severely lacking in
teachers who not only know the nature of the ultimate truth (Nirvana) but also
have the ability to bring this ancient treasure down from the high shelf, give
it a good dusting and present it to people in plain language. In the way that
ordinary people can relate to. We need teachers who don’t
treat this supreme concept as some kind of fragile antique, too scared to touch
for fear of breaking it. This is
the part that I am trying to do. This task has already shown the signs of
resistance from traditionalists.
The ultimate truth is
the ultimate simplicity
In my eyes, the ultimate truth, apart
from being the very final frontier for absolutely everything, it also has other
unique qualities as being the simplest and the most ordinary state of nature. I
often told my students in class that the most profound wisdom in the universe
was in fact skin deep. In other words, there is no depth at all because it
refers to the sheer simplicity, ordinariness and normality. That’s
why it is the most difficult nature for people to understand because no one can
work this out themselves and tend to overlook it. It is very difficult to give
definitions to these three words because they indicate the most fundamental meaning
let alone expressing the feeling involved. Try and explain the word simplicity
and normality to a non-English speaking person. You’ll
soon find out what I mean. I can see myself writing a whole book just to
explain the word “normality”
alone. Sometime, it is easier to explain by giving examples instead. If you feel simple and normal, it means
you don’t jump up and down when being happy
and don’t cry when being sad. Feeling simple
and normal means feeling nothing and having nothing to say. This is what
simplicity, ordinariness and normality are all about.
When
I dwell in the innocent world (the ultimate truth), I feel nothing but sheer
simplicity, ordinariness and normality. This is indeed the platform from which
I make my announcements regarding the nature of the ultimate truth. This is the
only reason, which makes perfect sense why an ordinary woman with a working
class husband living in a working class neighbourhood, has the courage to step
forward and tell people about the nature of the ultimate truth. It can only
mean that I feel simple, ordinary and normal inside me. The whole process has
to be the result of a natural reaction. All natural actions are simple,
ordinary and normal.
When I talked about my “working
class husband”, a lot of people might think I
looked down on him. In fact, it is just
the opposite. Because I was born into a working class family and married
into a working class family, this has turned out to be the most significant
factor leading to what I am today. Had I been born into a rich upper class or
even married into a British middle class family, things might have been very
different. But let’s not get too involved
with such a hypothetical situation. What I tried to say is that I am, in fact,
very grateful to my husband and this family for helping me to stay firm on the
ground, keeping me simple, normal, ordinary and down to earth. These are all
the prime qualities an individual needs to achieve the ultimate goal of life. Poor
people are rich in this respect because they are right at the gateway of God’s
kingdom. If poor people can get over the barrier of wanting more money and be
content in whatever they have, the Kingdom of God is truly right there already.
That is the contentment in the very moment of here and now when they are
totally absorbed in their menial work. That very moment is indeed the nature of
Eternity or the ultimate truth. Whilst I have been writing this chapter, I have
also been earning my living by giving body and foot massage for people, mainly
to my two elderly lady neighbours. I choose to do massage because it involves
movements and sensations and because this is where the truth is hidden. This is
a matter of one bullet and ends up with three birds, my customers enjoy my
service, I enjoy my own work and I also have some money in return. My husband
and family here don’t know me well enough to
realise that my happiness in living here is beyond words.
This
is also the reason why I manage to explain this profound wisdom in simple
language, using simple analogy and examples. Because I am not talking from the
ivory tower. I do not preach that which I cannot do. I am talking facts and
experience that I have been through. I watched a program called “how
the other half live” on the BBC last night. It
was about the rich upper class British who would do anything to get their post
code in the area of Chelsea and Kensington. This is the most expensive area in
London where the residence can associate with the Royal, the aristocrats and
the famous. They also do their daily shopping in Harrods’
and other exclusive shops that I cannot even pronounce the names right. My
husband and I kept on looking at each other as we were watching the program and
in the end, we agreed that we were lucky that we did not belong to that
category of people. Now you can understand why Christ said: it is easier to
push a camel through the needle hole than for a rich man to reach the Kingdom
of God.
In fact, the first part of this book is
all about the very simple logic of living and making everyday life happier. I
often feel astounded why people cannot see it and insist on turning their lives
into a mass of complexity, which often results in suffering and mayhem.
The first level of
holiness is easy
In
the Thai version of The User Guide to Life, I defied the Thai
attitude over this matter even further by telling people that if they could do
everything as I had guided in that book, they would undoubtedly reach the first
level of holiness and become Sotapana. In the Christian sense, this same code
of practice will place people right at the gateway of God’s
Kingdom. Maybe a small number of devout Buddhists and Christians could bring
themselves to believe they could achieve that holy goal in this life time but
certainly not the majority. I tried to change people’s
view on this matter because I can see that it is very much possible for
everyone to achieve such a goal in this life time. It is not reserved just for
monks, clerics, temple and church-goers but for all of us who walk the earth,
the very ordinary people just like you and me. The more simple and ordinary you
are, the quicker you can achieve it.
Counterbalance praise with the
feeling of normality
In
the past few years since my books were published, I have been receiving a
number of emails, some of which were most flattering. If I feel flattered, I
won’t be qualified to do this job. Praise
is, in fact, a far bigger challenge than criticism. At least, criticism prompts
you to examine yourself and force you to face up to the challenge just like what
I am doing now. To those who are constantly in the public eye, the endless
overdose of praise is the perfect potion that can drive one to absolute self-delusion.
Praise has the most delicious taste, once one has a taste for it, it is hard to
let go and hard not to want it again and again. That’s
why so many famous people have been destroyed because once praise is replaced
by criticism, they cannot take it and their lives can be ruined. They have to
escape to find some forms of refuge like drugs for example.
The
feelings that can counterbalance praise is the feeling of simplicity,
ordinariness and normality, which, once again, are the main features of the
ultimate truth. This is not easily done though. One needs a great deal of
wisdom and the meditation skills to remain feeling simple and normal, which is
what this book is all about. People who can do a big job successfully are those
who manage to feel simple and normal amongst the overwhelming praise. The
public will normally admire famous people who manage to feel simple and act
simple both in the public eyes and in private elements. These people will
thrive well in whatever they do.
In
coming forward and telling people about the nature of the ultimate truth, I
suppose this can be called doing a big job. That’s
why it will make perfect sense that I feel simple and normal inside otherwise I
cannot see myself doing this job. I would leave it to the men in yellow robes. And
I certainly cannot talk about it if I don’t
really feel so.
When English is not my
language
Thoughts,
ideas, concepts, imaginations and feelings are the most complex and difficult
matters to deal with because of their abstractions, formlessness and above all
trapped in our life form. With objects, we can use our five senses to deal with
them. Whatever we want to arrange, we can see them with our naked eyes. But we
cannot arrange thought, ideas, concepts and feelings in the same way we arrange
objects. That’s
why being a good writer is not easy. Whoever wants to be writers, they must have
exceptional skill, talent and above all be gifted. Because writers’
jobs are about arranging hundreds of thousands and even millions of random
thought, concepts, ideas, images and feelings into certain orders, transcribe
them into words, thread them into sentences, divide them into paragraphs and
see the story through till the end. That’s
why the computer is a godsend for all writers. I must admit I could not
possibly have written all these books without a computer, especially in English.
When English is not my mother tongue, it
is even more important in that whatever I want to convey, must be extremely
vivid in my head first before I can materialise them into words either verbally
or literarily. I also tend to be very blunt, straight talking, forthright and
get to the point, which might have unfortunately and unintentionally offended
and even intimidated people. But these qualities, apart from being Chinese, are
actually the results of trying to make my thoughts clear to myself first before
I could engage in a talk or a conversation. This kind of character is not very
helpful in British society where people are very polite, reserved, avoid
confrontation and don’t always talk their
minds. My husband and children are quite nervous when I am among the family
gatherings because they just don’t
know what kind of directness will come out of my mouth.
Nevertheless,
the teaching in my class has been a means for me to exercise the use of my
thoughts. Sometime I thought it was clear enough in my head but when it reached
the state of expressing myself, I could not materialise my thoughts into words.
I could not make myself clear enough for others. So, I tried again and again. The
concept like Tom and Jerry, the innocent perception, the mental holodeck, the
jigsaw puzzles, the train passing through the station are the results of my
exercising these thoughts for the past ten years or so in my Tai chi class. My
students from the early years can tell you that they could not understand much
of what I said.
The
clarity of my thoughts, however, took a drastic turn after my extraordinary
experience in the autumn of 1997. It was then when I knew for certain that the
innocent perception that I had trained my students to witness a few years
before, was indeed the nature of the ultimate truth. From then on, my trail of
thinking became less scattered and more focused. I seemed to be able to think
with clear perspective and nothing seemed to get in the way of my thinking. Because
whatever topic or issue I think about, I can always pull or follow that string
of thought till the end of it. The end of those thoughts always finished off at
the ultimate nature. A
Handful of Leaves was the first piece of work I produced after the
autumn of 1997. It reflected the distinctness and the perspective of my
thoughts as well as the independence from my teachers, which was quite
unprecedented. Without the clearness of my thoughts, I don’t
think I could create any written work in English at all with or without a
computer. It would be impossible because I don’t
see myself as a professional writer.
My style of
teaching
We
are all individual human-beings. We have our own ways in doing things. Having
lived in Britain for 23 years, I have to admit I have more or less conformed
into the western way of thinking and doing certain things. My work at the
University of Birmingham is one of the main causes, which has gradually been
shaping my individuality.
Not
only intellectuals, Western people in general are also well known for their
rational and logical way of thinking. This was what I realised after I married
my English husband and lived in England. Because of this rational quality, they
can also be very stubborn and cynical too. They will not believe in anything
that cannot be proven. I have a great number of post-graduate students coming
through my classes, a lot of them were doing their doctorate degree and some of
them had been through Oxbridge. What could I, a housewife and a foreigner who
could not even speak proper English, possibly offer to these extremely clever
people? When I found out they offered me a job of coaching Tai chi at the
University of Birmingham, instead of feeling happy in getting a job, I felt
totally in the opposite, daunting, frightening and most intimidating. Teaching
western intellectuals is not an easy task, especially when the teacher is a
foreigner. No matter what subject you want to teach, you have to be ready for
all kinds of tests and challenges to your knowledge.
Now,
let’s look at the subjects and issues I
have to deal with. Indeed, they are revolving around the subject of life, the
ultimate goal of life, the ultimate truth, morality, The Kingdom of God,
eternity, Nirvana, the law of karma and so on. Sensible people would rather keep these subjects quiet
without spilling the beans about their interest to others for fear of being
laughed at. Highly sensible people would leave these potentially controversial
issues for religious personnel like monks, clergy and clerics because at least,
their words would be naturally backed up by their religious institution they
represent.
What
chance do I have in standing here alone among the western intellectuals and
trying to convince them I had knowledge in those challenging issues without the
endorsement of the yellow robe uniform or the back up of the Buddhist
institution. Indeed, I had no credentials to convince them whatsoever. My first
six years of teaching here was very painful because of my lack of confidence
and my immature wisdom, which caused me not to be able to present my speech
well enough. Many times, I could see the students’
eyes were rolling, their shoulders were shrugging which were the obvious signs
telling me that “Oh…yes,
and don’t forget I believe in Santa Claus
and Tooth fairies as well.”
It
is ironic though because these were also reasons, which constantly prompted me
to think rationally and logically. I was conditioned to simplify the ancient
Buddhist concepts into the version that these people can accept and most
importantly can relate to. Everything I said has to be articulately expressed
as well as making sense to them. Above all, I must show them my confidence and
conviction in my field of knowledge which I could not do before, not until
after my enlightening experience of 1997.
Thai people do not realise the extent of
the difficulties that I have been through all these years. According to the
Thai critic’s warning about the sensitive words
I put down in Koo Meu Sheewit, it can be analogized as trying to advertise the
beautiful island of Phuket to western tourists without the right to tell them
that I had been there before. Or trying to sell slimming pills without the
right to tell the buyers that I have used them before. Or trying to teach
people to swim without the right to tell them I can swim. To help people to
reach the ultimate goal of life or to witness the ultimate truth is a much more
difficult and complex matter than those analogies. Even the analogies, we can
see it doesn’t make much sense to people if you
don’t have the right to tell them of
your expertise to begin with. Why do we all struggle so hard to get some sort
of qualifications? The answer is so that we can convince our employers of our
expertise before the employment.
You
can call me stupid if you like but I don’t
know how I could lead people to witness the ultimate truth without telling them
that I have seen it myself and I am about to lead them to see it. I really don’t
know how many other ways I could do this job without telling people of what I
know and don’t know. I know that my way of
teaching is indeed far from being traditional. And this is the heart of the problem, which trouble some
devout Buddhists, Thai and non-Thai who are restricted in the traditional way
of Buddhist teaching.
Nevertheless, people have to admit this
is my style of teaching. No matter how weird it may sound or how offensive it
may be to some people, to me, it is still a very logical way of thinking and
doing things. And I cannot do it in any other way.
Being guided by honesty
Trying
to investigate further whether I am self-deluded or not, you can find out a lot
more from my writing skill. In making it easier for me to express myself in
English, apart from the factor of having the lucid thoughts, it is also much
easier if I write facts and not fiction. Most people who are not good in
writing can always manage writing their own diary because they write from the
actual facts that actually happen to them. They don’t
have to create and imagine the non-existent events, which is a much more
difficult task if the writer is not gifted. Fictional works, which is about
writing from imagination and complex thoughts, is a much more difficult thing
to do. Your imagination has to be absolutely lucid before you can materialise
it into words. J. R. R Tolkien had every right to be called a genius because
The Lord of the Rings was one of the most exquisite fictional works man had
created. Without the making of the film, I would never have found out the
extent of complexity in Tolkien’s mind.
Nevertheless,
I have never had interest in fictional material because I adore facts and the
truth too much. This has reflected in my own writing. It is also this very fact
that my writing is based on. I find it is much easier to write about the
messages and the contents that already exist in my head and heart without
having to deal with any complex imagination. It was even more so when I needed
to express feeling. I found it was impossible to express feelings and emotions
that I did not have myself. I would not have a clue what to talk about.
Nevertheless, to transcribe all the existing materials within myself, it means
I have no choice but being scrupulously honest with myself. I must let honesty
and integrity guide my way through the pages of paper. Without using this
method, there will not be anything to write, nothing whatsoever.
Losing battle
Please
let me bring you back to the events after the rejection from the publisher. After
the set back and the long email I wrote explaining myself to a few people,
there was a long silence for a few months from both sides. There was no
progress. While I was stopping my side of the communication, I was hoping that
my friends might take a lead and do whatever they could to get this book
published. I must admit that there were some brief moments when I wanted to
just sit back and not do anything at all. I could easily comply to that wishful
thought by stepping into my innocent world and all the problems would vanish
into thin air. I kept on thinking that there was no more I could do. The
process of getting the book published and sold are the part that I have no
knowledge of and I don’t have much idea what to
do without help. That’s why when the publisher
agreed to print my books in the past, I was happy to give my work to them
without expecting any royalty fee in return apart from the two hundred free
copies of the published books. In the contrary, I had tremendous gratitude
toward them.
Being
so far away, no matter what angle I viewed it from, I needed at least one
person in Thailand to help me so that I could help others. And that key person
had to have a strong belief in me and preferably with charisma because he or
she would have to speak on behalf of me. That’s
why I wrote several long letters and emails after my return from Thailand in 2001
just trying to convince a few people of my leadership so that they could act on
behalf of me. But not everyone was convinced as I judged from the silence after
several letters. After the monk’s critics and the
subsequent rejection from the publisher, I wasn’t
sure how much support I still had? As far as helping people was concerned, I
couldn’t help thinking that I might have
lost the battle. I began to understand the monk’s
words saying how could I expect people to believe me since I was not famous. Indeed,
he was very right. And how on earth I could get myself noticed if I didn’t
have any help to get my work published. I saw myself being trapped in this
vicious circle, not knowing how to break free.
The return of the
familiar voice
Then,
the familiar voice that had been echoing in my head every time I faced big
challenge, returned, telling me not to give up. Although I had done my job in
writing the book for people, it was still very much my duty to make sure that
my messages would arrive in people’s
hands. If I didn’t do that, it meant I
did not fulfill my wish in helping that one person. I could also see that this
was just the beginning of my work, it was bound to be difficult and therefore
very necessary that I must put every drop of effort into it. I could not sit
back and wait for a miracle to happen. Hence, after a good three months of
retreat from writing letters and emails, I resumed my letter writing to try to
convince my friends and push them to find more ideas on what to do next.
More contacts from
readers
Meanwhile, since the publications of my
two books in Thailand, I began to have letters and emails from readers some of
whom wished to come to see me in person and asked questions. I refused any
personal contact as I didn’t want my family life to
be disrupted. Instead, I suggested a retreat or a meditation workshop. If they
could find a few people who are interested to learn from me, I would be very
happy to go and teach without any charge provided that they pay for my
travelling expenses.
A retreat in Cameroon
My
first retreat outside the UK took place in April 2002 when I went to Cameroon,
which was my first trip to Africa. My attorney friend, Noi and Juliet raised
the funds to cover this trip for me. It was this trip, which caused part of the
problem between my husband and I as he was concerned about my safety in having
to travel alone into the continent I had never been before. As for me, I
thought that if there were people out there wanted my help, I should do my best
to help them. It was especially the case for Africa because there were not many
Buddhist meditation teachers visiting Africa. This would be a good chance for
me to bring Buddhist meditation to Africa and plant a few enlightening
seedlings there. Finally, with the help of a French lady who would host me
while I was in Cameroon, I talked my husband into it and he let me go.
The
participants were students and intellectuals. A few of them were also devout
Catholics; a couple students went to the church service before coming to my class
and one of them was a preacher himself. They were very enthusiastic and it was
a pleasure to teach them. I had to teach through an interpreter since the
majority spoke French. We dealt with a lot of unclear issues about Christian
faith and its teaching, i.e. how could we love our nieghbours and enemies like
we love ourselves? How could we give the other cheek to our haters or give our
trousers to our muggers. How could we lead to eternal life in this days and age
and so on? Despite their strong belief in God, they took my teaching
surprisingly well. Once they had the glimpse of the innocent perception, they
could understand and agree with my explanation about the Tree of Knowledge and
The tree of Life as I compared the two trees to Tom and Jerry. Although there
were some tough questions, I managed to clear their doubts.
As
far as my students in Cameroon are concerned, apart from giving them my
spiritual knowledge, I only wish I could offer them the material need too. I
have to face the fact that it is beyond my reach because I too am still
struggling to earn a living myself.
Facing SARS
Among
my overseas readers, there was a Singaporean and a Cambridge graduate who was
keen to learn more from me. I put him in touch with my other Singaporean
students and a retreat in Singapore was set for April 2003. I wrote to a few
more readers both Thais and Westerners asking them to join this retreat in
Singapore. I chose to go to Thailand first and went to Singapore in between my
stay there so that I could solve some problem regarding the printing of my
works.
When
I arrived in Thailand, the war in Iraq had already broken out and I had no idea
how serious the SARS epidemic was until I stepped into the Thai airport and saw
people wearing masks including my brother who came to pick me up.
A retreat in Thailand
Before I left England, an American
gentleman living in Thailand, found my books and emailed me and wished to join
the retreat in Singapore but could not make it. He suggested a retreat in
Thailand. Although I had never been enthusiastic about holding a retreat in my
own country, I thought maybe it was high time I did so.
The
reason was that, as time went by, I was more certain that the innocent
perception must be revealed, pointed out and confirmed by myself only. I knew
that people tend to overlook that simple experience. Reading my books alone
would not help to get to the bottom of this ultimate experience. Personal
training with me would give them a shortcut for their understanding as well as
the bonus gain of the practice. This would be a good opportunity for me to
convince those few people whose help I needed. I also felt more comfortable to
use my way of speaking with the students who had been trained with me. After
the retreat, it would be much easier for me to communicate with them. This
would solve half of my problems because I had to use a different approach
dealing with people through my books than dealing with people face to face in
my class. I had no problems with people who had gone through the direct
training with me. They would know exactly what I meant by “innocent
perception” without misjudging me. This retreat
in Thailand would also be a way to make it up to those few others, who
cancelled their plans to go to Singapore because of SARS.
Having
thought all this through, just over 24 hours after my arrival and still
struggling to get over my jetlag, I began phoning people and organising an
unexpected retreat in Bangkok. It was like a whirlwind, I managed to round
people up, find an excellent venue and the long weekend retreat took place
within four days after my arrival. There were altogether 27 people joining the
retreat although not everyone came everyday. Nine of them were my own family
members, some were friends and their families and some were readers whom I had
never met before.
Found the equivalent to
Tom and Jerry
It
was my first time I had to teach in the Thai language. It was a bit strange and
threw me out of place at first because I had been so used to making the
speeches in English. Nevertheless, I soon found out that in fact the Thai
language could accommodate the subtlety of different mental nature far better
than English. The night before the retreat, I found the proper words, which the
Thais use everyday, to represent Tom and Jerry. By using the words that they
were familiar with, it would be a great help to boost their understanding when
it reached the practice. That was a great relief for me because I could go
through my normal format of teaching, which was about separating Tom from Jerry.
The
retreat went well. The participants were happy with the knowledge and the
meditation technique I passed on. At last, they had some ideas what I meant by
the innocent perception. Whether they could keep up with the practice or not
was another matter. I was particularly happy for my own family members and
pleased that they finally had some ideas what I had been doing.
The retreat in Singapore
After
the retreat in Bangkok, the SARS situation got worse until it reached a point
that was beyond my control. I still wanted to go to Singapore as planned
because there were people who had booked their time off work to join this
retreat. I must do my very best. But The Thai government stopped all civil
servants, even monks from entering all the SARS infected countries. Should I go
ahead with the plan, I would be quarantined and hounded upon re-entry to
Thailand and life wouldn’t be simple, so my friend from the Health Ministry
told me. Both my families in Thailand and England also pleaded with me not to
go. To my regret, I had no choice but to cancel the retreat. Should the
situation have changed towards the end of my stay, I would still go. I couldn’t
help by giving them any hope.
Indeed,
the SARS situation in Singapore, however, seemed to die down in the press
towards the end of April, so I decided to email my students and put the retreat
back on the agenda again if they could regroup the people. I chose to leave
Thailand four days before schedule and came back again for transit only.
The
retreat in Singapore was a pure joy for me. Because of the disruption of the
original plans and the teaching workshop fell on the weekdays, I was expecting
fewer than ten people but nearly thirty people turned up, taking turns in two
different sessions, day and evening. The day session took place in the
wonderful Botanical gardens. We were surrounded by the most spectacular
tropical greenery. The participants were all very enthusiastic and eager to
learn from me. Quite a few of them were Buddhist scholars, reading Buddhist
texts rather extensively.
Hello Tom, Goodbye Jerry
Once
again, they were happy to learn about Tom and Jerry and how to separate them
through meditation practice. It was one of my students here who was also a
Buddhist scholar, he phoned to thank me while I was being driven to the airport.
He told me that he had thought of a motto for himself from then on and it would
be “Hello Tom and Good bye Jerry”.
I burst out with laughter and subsequently told my students in the car that,
this motto would be so perfect for the title of the second part of The
User Guide to Life. If I could use it without tangling up with the copy
right issue, it would be great.
Despite
SARS, I was glad I made this trip to Singapore. It was worth every effort.
My own publishing house
Before I left
Thailand, I had a chance to hold a meeting with a few of the people who had
joined the retreat in Thailand. We agreed to contribute some of our own money
to begin with as well as raise more funds from our families and friends and do
our own printing work. Finally, we had managed to find enough money to print
the first book on our list and hire a book distributor to do the sale for us. This
worked out well because I could print the book in the way I wanted as well as
setting an affordable price for readers’
easy decision-making. A number of the books were set aside for donation to
temples and libraries. After all the set-backs and disruption, Koo Meu Cheewit
was published and for sale in September 2003. We still keep on looking for
funds to print the next book on the list.
It
looked like that I had my extended arms and legs in Thailand after all. Thank
goodness, I can focus on producing more written works from now on.
This challenge has
everything to do with you
I didn’t
have to tell you about what the Thai critic commented about me and my work
especially on the issue of whether or not I was self-deluded. I could easily
keep it away from you (all my English-speaking readers), and do everything as
the Thai critic had kindly advised, no one would know and the publisher wouldn’t
have rejected my book either. I don’t
think you would hear or read such criticism outside Thailand because my work
will not be noticed, not while I am living anyway.
It
was only last year when I received a letter from a man who was trying to gather
all the authors who had been swindled by Minerva Press so that he could gather
enough evidence to expose and prosecute the con-man who robbed some three
thousand amateur authors globally. I phoned him up just wanting to find out
whether I might be able to rescue any left over copies of my book: Dear Colin…
in the stock. As soon as he worked out I was a foreigner, he told me that what
Minerva Press did to me was sheer criminal. He said that the con-man only had
the interest to take my money (some three thousand pounds), so don’t
even hope to find any left over copies of my book because there was no stock in
the first place. In other words, he might as well have said that my written
work would not stand a chance in this highly competitive business and society. That’s
why I stopped trying to find a publisher here in England long ago and my only
hope of finding a publisher was in Thailand. Hence, there is more chance for a
comet or a meteor to hit the earth than for my work to be noticed here in the
Western world.
But
why I choose to tell you is because this challenge has everything to do with
you. I would rather face this huge challenge head on with you now. This is also
my style of teaching. I would rather you sort out your doubts now than later
because if you don’t, we cannot move
forward. How can you let me be your guide if you don’t
have faith in me? Doubt is the most difficult and challenging enemy to defeat.
Tomorrow never comes
The
Thai people, including myself, had gone through enough painful experiences in
having our faith crushed after we found out that some teachers (mainly monks) whom
we had respected and worshiped for decades were not as holy as they claimed or
appeared to be. As time moves on, I have learnt that real spiritual teachers
should not live to see their names rising to fame because it must take a life
time to prove oneself to oneself. I always insist I cannot tell you more than I
know now and I don’t know what else remain
for me to learn. I also have to prove myself to myself everyday about the
ultimate knowledge I know. Not to mention tomorrow, I don’t
even know what problem lies ahead between now and next minute or even the next
breath. I don’t know whether I will be able to
deal with it or not. I just know that as long as I could deal with the next
moment in the same way I am dealing now with this very moment, I would be all
right. And I will have to do this until I die, won’t
I? Because tomorrow never comes, there will always be a tomorrow. So, I never
forget to take praise as a pinch of salt. I cannot afford to be flattered by it.
I always admire Lao Tzu, the author of Tao Te Ching. Even today, we still don’t
know much about this intriguing person. But it doesn’t
matter. In fact, whoever wrote Tao Te Ching whether or not his name was Lao
Tzu, that person had every inch of the character in being an enlightened one. It
was only right that the Chinese to compare him to a dragon. Had that unique
person not left his holy book behind, we wouldn’t
have known that this enlightened one used to walk the earth.
You must answer for
yourself
I
realise that it is still up to me to help you to clear your doubts. That is why
I have gone through great lengths to tell you about myself and my work so that
I can give a boost to your confidence in your guide who is leading you down
this difficult path to the ultimate enlightenment. You would naturally want to
seek assurance from others whether or not I could be trusted. If you really
want to reach the ultimate goal of life and be free from all problems, you must
start thinking for yourself from this moment onward. No one can answer this
question for you. There will always be people who believe in me and some who
don’t. It depends who you seek advice
from and talk to.
I
strongly advise you to learn to make up your own mind. Because as you are
progressing along this path with me, you will need to be more definite in your
decision making. It is significantly necessary if you want to walk this path. This
is your very first test to see whether or not you are qualified to join me in
this life journey. I don’t take everyone on board
my ship, I am afraid. I know it is hard but you must do it. And you will also
understand why I must be scrupulously honest with you and have taken the time
to tell you all those gory details about myself in this chapter. All this is
meant to help you to make up your mind.
I can only wish you all the best of luck with your decision making.
My last advice to you
If
your answer is no, you think I am self-deluded and I cannot be trusted to be
your spiritual guide. You therefore don’t
want to continue the journey with me. That is fine, don’t
even feel bad about it. You must trust your own judgement. I hope you can find
a compatible teacher to guide you. Spiritual teachers and their followers have
to be compatible with each other, otherwise the learning process won’t
work. This has a lot to do with the previous deeds or karma of both sides. If
both parties had some connections with each other in the previous life, there
are bound to be factors bringing both parties to meet again in this lifetime. I
often talk to the animals in my garden from ants, slug, snails, worms to birds
and cats that should they be reborn into humans, I wish they would find my
books and I could help them to get out of
samsara. Nevertheless, no fisherman can throw a net and catch every
single fish in the sea. The net is also compatible to the size of the fish. My
wisdom and my style of teaching can only be suitable to some people’s
need and not all. Your reading, however, from now on, (only if you read further)
will not mean much but a matter of trying to fill your head with more mental
furniture and may be of some future reference. Also, you may not be able to
resist finding fault in my works as well. It is quite all right. That is still
fine with me too but please don’t forget to leave some
reservations for the law of change especially as far as your viewpoint is
concerned. I wish you all the best of luck in finding a suitable teacher and
that you find your eternal peace.
Welcome on board
If your answer is yes, you want to
carry on with the rest of life journey with me. I am happy for you and welcome
aboard my ship. Whether you realise it or not, you have passed the very first
test that I gave you. I hope you are aware that we are going to make a one way
journey to our ultimate destination in life. There won’t
be any return. I will do my very best to help you. Please go through each
chapter slowly. Make sure you understand everything I said and put it into
practice right away as if I was standing there in front of you. Keep on
revising the practice until you are familiar with the experience before you
move on to the next chapter. Best of luck.