Love,
sex and relationships
In
a world where people are facing moral chaos, committing adultery has gradually
become a common event. This is a very big issue to talk about. I will just talk
about the major points that are relevant to your needs; this is about you who
have passed the first requirement so far. I certainly do not expect everyone to
feel the same as what I am about to say but I am sure that you will.
It
may be that you are married and you have committed adultery before. Let's say
your marriage hasn't been too bad and your adultery was a genuine mistake. You
might have been found out by your partner or you might not. I am sure that you
experienced lots of guilt and shame as well as trouble. If you have been
forgiven but your guilt and shame still bother you, my advice is that you must
try to forgive yourself. You cannot turn the clock back. Learn from your
mistake, make it up to your partner and don't do it again. There is no excuse
if you keep on making the same mistake over and over again. You won't be
qualified to walk this path. It doesn't matter how many times you have done
wrong as far as this moral conduct is concerned, once you pick up this book and
you want to carry on with this journey, you must stop right away. You cannot
pretend that you don't know and try to bargain for yet another mistake. You
cannot do that. You have to be strong and get your moral act straight right
now.
If
you are very unhappy with your marriage for whatever reasons, sort your
problems out in the righteous manner as best you can. Divorce if you must so
that you can keep your sanity intact. If you have no choice and are cornered to
bear the suffering because there might be children involved, you are doing the
right thing because you put your children first. Please be very patient, this
book is designed to help you. Just follow each step very carefully and your
pain will ease off as you proceed through this book. You must have hope and
faith in the Buddha and God. I will also do my best to help you. At this point,
be very patient.
If
you are single and probably quite young too, mid teens to twenty something, you
probably have found out about the whole new experience of sex and
relationships. For some reason, you have also been drawn to this book and you
want to give it a go. How are you going to handle sex and relationships from
this point onward?
I
am going to give you a little bit of sex education which is rather different
from what you learn at school.
There is no need to tell you about birds and bees. I am quite sure that
you know all about it. This sex education however is viewed from the point of
view that tries to understand the intention of mother nature. I am a mother of
three teenage sons and also see the innocent world or the ultimate truth. I
think I have the right to talk for mother nature. I can only share this with
you because you want the best thing in life. People who have not passed the
first requirement of this book will find it very difficult or almost impossible
to understand.
Every
phenomenon which exists naturally has its own reason. Instinct is placed in
humans and animals for a reason too. Instinct is the term that scientists use
when they cannot explain phenomena logically and rationally. To mother nature,
instinct is the significant tool she uses so that certain jobs can be done for her.
As far as instinct is concerned, both humans and animals can naturally do it
without having to learn much.
Sexual
instinct is the most powerful feeling that mother nature bestows on humans and
animals for one sole reason - reproduction. Mother nature gradually prepares
boys and girls by giving them the hormones so that their bodies will be ready
to reproduce. Puberty is the stage when the physical body begins to get ready
for the sexual act. The instinctive powerful sexual attraction resulting from hormones
(chemistry) at the right age is also mother nature's strategy in trying to
bring a man and a woman intimately together so that they will be ready to do
the reproductive work for her. Sexual intercourse is a painful act that no one
wants to do without a reward. So, mother nature gives us a reward or bribery
which is compatible to the most important job that people can do for her. That
reward is orgasm which is supposed to be the best physical feeling that humans
can ever achieve. The whole of the sexual act which happens instinctively is
there for one sole reason and that is to add another human being to the world.
Without the tools of hormones and orgasm, sexual acts would not happen. As far
as the sexual act is concerned, humans and animals are equal. We basically do
the same thing to serve mother nature's purpose. This is the way I see sex from
mother nature's point of view. I know that you might laugh because it seems
like this is only about the chemistry and the mechanical sides. What about
love?
Being
born as a human means that we are very much different from animals. In addition
to the chemistry and mechanical side of reproduction, mother nature gives
humanity the emotional aspect too. Love is the moral emotion and obligation
that mother nature bestows on humanity which makes humans leap far away from
animals. Although it isn't easy to explain what love is, at this stage we shall
look at the simple feeling that we can identify with. There is no
straight-forward feeling and act that can be called love, but we associate love
with being caring, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, gentle, concerned, helpful,
considerate, understanding and above all patient. These are the indications
that compound into what we can call love, which once again is a gift from
mother nature. You can see that only humans are capable of conveying such
beautiful and unique feelings to one another. Animals have them in a much
lesser degree. Without this moral emotion and obligation or love, people will
act according to their sexual instinct which indeed is no different from that
of animals.
So,
love and chemistry (which leads to having sex) are the two combinations that
make two persons click, have sexual attraction to each other until they can
make the bond with each other by love making.[1]
If you have both combinations, you will certainly experience the most unique,
special and enjoyable physical and mental feelings humans can ever achieve. So,
there is a lot of difference between making love to someone you really love and
care for and having sex just to get rid of your craving and frustration. If you
have the latter, you are the same as an animal. There are four functions in
which humans and animals are equal; they are eating, getting rid of the excess,
sleeping and having sex.
However,
as I said, love is the moral emotion and obligation which can be cultivated in
humans only and not in animals. So, for a couple to form a strong relationship
and spend a lifetime together, they have to cultivate love and not just sex.
If
there is only sex and there is no love, the relationship will not last. That is
because the powerful sexual feelings will definitely fade away when you pass
the reproductive age. That's why I told you how the chemistry (hormones) and
mechanical side of sex works. This is the most confusing stage when not only
young but older people too cannot distinguish love from sex. Males especially
who are made to be the chaser and have a more powerful sexual drive than
females will get very frustrated, confused and terribly worried when their
sexual performance is on the decrease when their old age approaches. You might
think that having viagara is a godsend, a blessing and the best thing that
technology could bring to men. I see it as a way of tampering with nature. The
slowing down of sexual drive is nature's will, not ours. If we don't go along
with it, we are asking for trouble.
Consequently,
this lack of wisdom has caused so many social problems in the world today. When
sex life goes well couples seem to be happy with each other, but when it fades,
things can get very nasty and cause marriage break-up. Many couples are simply
bored by having sex with just one person and thrive for new sex which can give
them new taste and new excitement. What they assumed to be love can brutally
turn into resentment, anger and even hatred. How can love turn into such ugly
matters? When this happens to you, it means that you don't know what love is
and you don't have love either.
Furthermore,
people exploit mother nature by wanting to eat the sweet or take the reward
without any intention to fulfil mother nature's need. Consequently, humanity
turns sex into a big industry and female humans are reduced to sexual
merchandise traded for money. You can easily understand why the ancient
profession of prostitution will always be with humanity even in the remote
future. People also commit serious
crimes to fulfil their sexual instincts. As a result, humans have degraded
themselves to be equal to animals or even worse than animals as far as sexual
exploitation is concerned. I don't know whether a male animal would rape their
female counterpart or not but I am certain that animals do not have the ability
to make sex into an industry like humans do. Nonetheless, mother nature always
has the upper hand on us. In exploiting mother nature, humanity has Aids and
other sexually transmitted diseases in return. Finding a cure for Aids is
definitely not the answer to solve the problem. As long as humanity keeps on
tampering with and exploiting nature, we are certainly asking for endless
problems as far as sex is concerned.
The
reason that you are born in a human form is so that you have the golden chance
to develop further away from the animals. That's why you are capable of
understanding love. Relationships can grow stronger and long lasting when
couples value love more than sex. When sex slows down because of age, it
doesn't necessarily mean that love will fade away too. On the contrary, love can
be cultivated, nurtured, made stronger and grow like a tree. As long as you can
make the love tree grow, a couple can easily be very happy together even when
sex and love-making disappear from their marriage.
When
you are young and lack experience in life, it is very difficult to separate sex
and love. Love can only be understood through age, maturity and experience of
life. When two persons spend 30 years or so of their life together, bear their
children and go through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, love grows
in between those times like a tree spreading its branches, leaves, flowers and
fruits. As long as both persons nurture this love tree, it will certainly grow
just like any tree that is well looked after. This is an experience that you can
only learn through the process of life and there is no short-cut to it. There
is no definite formula of how to make the love tree grow either. Everyone is
individual, you just have to learn and pick up your own ingredients to make a
recipe work - that is your life and your relationship. I just know that you
need one very important ingredient to make a relationship work - patience!
When
you reach the state and age where the chemistry in your body no longer erupts
and there is less or no sex involved and you look at your partner's wrinkled
face, if you are still thoughtful, gentle, caring, sensitive, concerned,
considerate, compassionate and patient towards that person you share your life
with, that is the time you can truly claim that you know love as well as making
love. You are a very lucky person indeed.
We
cannot talk about love, sex and relationships without talking about
responsibility and commitment. Mother nature brings two persons together for
one sole reason and that is to make another human being. Once again, mother
nature uses her crucial tools - hormones and instinct - to make sure that a
young new life will be looked after, taken care of and survive. The whole of
the pregnancy, child birth and the bonding between mother and child is the
magical work of mother nature that needs no scientific explanation. Everything
has been carefully and perfectly worked out by nature so that a human can be
born, grow up and live to fulfil its own life cycle which goes on endlessly.
When
a woman is pregnant, the body is amazingly prepared to hold a baby until it is
ready to be delivered. Despite its most complex network, the whole system runs
smoothly and magically. Only women can experience the most powerful maternal
instinct towards the baby she gave birth to. All nursing mothers have the
experience of their breast milk rushing to their breasts every time their
babies cry for feeds. I had a taste of such a beautiful and special experience,
so much so that I had to tell myself that I was so lucky to be a mother!
Without such feelings, all mothers would just have one child and no more or
none at all and the human race would be extinct!
Now,
I know why mother nature gave me such beautiful feelings in being a mother.
Once again, this is the bribery that mother nature more or less hires a woman
to look after a new born baby for her so that this baby can survive until it
reaches the age of reproduction itself.
Otherwise, who is going to look after an infant who does nothing but cry,
sleep, eat and dirty itself? Looking after babies and children is extremely
hard work. This is a well known fact that all mothers know. Without the tools - mother instinct and
hormones - which bond mother and child together, the human race wouldn't survive
and this goes for animals too.[2]
So,
looking after the child you give birth to is the responsibility and commitment
that you have to take on board after you form a relationship with someone. This
is mother nature's will.
Having
both parents to bring up a child is also a natural function that people
nowadays have begun to lose track of. Nature creates both male and female with
distinctive purposes. Apart from reproduction, male and female are supposed to
play different roles in bringing up a child. One is a provider and one is a
homestead. A healthy family unit means both male and female play their roles
right. A man needs a woman and a woman also needs a man. A well balanced child
needs to have the input from both father and mother. A natural family is
cemented by the biological bonds and natural affections between parents and
their offspring. The family itself reflects the needs of all the parties
especially of a child who requires many years of care and attention. A
conventional family is indeed nature's will. It doesn't matter whether the
couple is married or not. As long as they are living together as a family unit,
that is the matter. A traditional family is indeed a natural event that
humanity should not destroy or tamper with.
Social
change has caused a great number of children nowadays to grow up in a single
parent family. All single parents do realise how difficult it is to bring up a
child on their own. It isn't easy at all. Research has shown that children from
a single parent family tend to have more psychological problems than those from
two parent families. This result tries to tell us that it is unnatural for a
child to grow up in a single parent family.
I
don't think that man and woman can be totally equal. Fundamentally we are
different and that's why mother nature made us differently. However, social
change has brought women into what used to be men's world. Women have proved
themselves that they can do what men can in a lot of aspects. It is indeed a
great liberation for women. Nevertheless, if we have a good look into it, when
working women have children, that is the time when women begin to realise that
we cannot have it all. After a long hard day at work, most women still have to
come back to tend to their children and do the things that women have to do at
home because men are useless when it comes down to certain works that only
women are good at. There are exceptions, of course.
I
know that I will be crucified for saying that a woman's job is at home. I don't
totally agree but I am still very much in favour of mothers spending more time
with their children because that is nature's will. I cannot stop the world from
spinning, nor could I stop social change. I even know that working class
families need to have two incomes to make a family survive even in rich
countries, not to mention about the poor countries where mothers have to work
extremely hard for their families. I just want to clarify the intention of
mother nature as far as a conventional family is concerned. This is a very
important factor which can create a peaceful and harmonious society. Every
child will grow up into an adult. Whatever qualities that adult will have, it
comes down to mother's hands and heart which shape and mould her child. It
finally comes down to the government to make it become possible to maintain
that balance and harmony of nature. Although men and women are not equal in
different aspects, it doesn't mean that we cannot give respect to each other
equally. As long as men and women have respect for each other's roles, a secure
family unit can be formed and they can live in harmony. In the end, we always
have to come back and talk about the enlightening culture, haven't we? When
leaders have this wisdom, they can at least make it possible by creating the
right kind of culture.
As
far as a natural family unit is concerned, it is alarming to see humanity
tamper with nature even further. The advanced technology which can engineer the
procreation of humans causes new social phenomena which could never happen
before in the past. We have entered into the new era of making designer babies.
"We are clearly moving to a situation in which children are created to
some ideal specification and only loosely connected to those from whom they
receive their genes. That is, if the genes are not themselves produced in the
laboratory. We are told that, within the next 20 or 30 years, it will be
commonplace for women to store their eggs before the age of 30, for them to
choose sperm from donors who fit their ideal specifications, for them to
actually produce their children - or have them produced by someone else - when
they are in their 60s, or later. There will be clones and vats full of eggs and
embryos, waiting on the convenience of selfish adults, to be used or thrown
away at will."[3] The
artificial insemination has allowed a single woman to have a child without
having to live with her male counterpart, lesbian couples can also have children
in the same way. Gay couples have begun to have children through surrogacy. All
these social events are unnatural and should not be allowed to happen. I am
strongly opposed to such action.
In
today's paper there was a story about the dilemma of the surrogate twins who
were born without identifiable biological or legal parents. Six-months-old Emma
and Danielle were conceived in a Greek laboratory from sperm donated by an
anonymous American at a Danish laboratory and the eggs of an unknown British
woman. They were implanted into the womb of a British surrogate mother who had
made an arrangement with an Italian man and his Portuguese wife. When the
couple found out that the twins were girls, they didn't want them and told the
surrogate mother to abort the twins. Instead the surrogate mother went through
an agency in America who provided her a lesbian couple who wanted to adopt the
twins. As the story went, now the surrogate mother and the lesbian couple have
fallen out over the £25,000 medical bill. The babies are looked after by a
nanny.[4]
We are
treading on a very dangerous path by which we foolishly think that we can
overcome nature. No matter what good
reasons and logic are brought up, the bottom line is that we are seriously
tampering with nature. It is mother nature who has the last say and certainly
not us humans. This is a time bomb that only time will be here to witness the
disaster.
Now,
let's come back to the point about committing adultery. Why did I tell you all
those things? Being a Buddhist activist during my student years, I used to feel
guilty about getting married and having children. I have no regrets whatsoever
now. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to understand all those experiences and talk
about them now, if I hadn't got married and become a mother myself. Buddhist
monks who are ordained young can bypass all these sexual experiences, but only
the determined ones survive. Although monastic life is a short cut to eternity
it is certainly not for everyone. This book however is designed for you who
want to lead a normal life as well as wanting to reach eternity. Although it is
much more difficult to do so, now I know for certain that it is not at all
impossible if only you try a bit harder.
That's
why I had to go to such a great length to talk about sex, love, relationships,
responsibility and commitment so that you can prepare yourself for it and try
to do the right thing by nature. As far as I am concerned, this has everything
to do with whether you will commit adultery or not. Indeed, choosing the right
partner who has the same level of understanding as you is the most important
factor to make a marriage work. Never rush into a relationship until you are
sure about it. When you can understand the above, it means that you have a
better chance to grow your love tree so that you can cherish the relationship
between you, your partner and your children. The sooner you know, the better.
You will step into a relationship very carefully. Once you go into it, you will
try your best to make it work and see it through. Don't forget the crucial
ingredient, which makes a relationship work - PATIENCE.
The
Buddha also says that the secret that can bond a couple together is when
husband and wife have compatible quality as regard faith, moral, shame and
guilt. We can see that it is very true. If one has high moral ground and the
other does not care at all, it is very unlikely that the relationship will
survive. Therefore, it is very important to choose and pick someone who is
compatible in that sense. By behaving yourself well, you will be likely to
attract the person who has similar quality to you. Then again, this is not
always a guarantee, of course.
As
far as sex is concerned, it is very difficult to know what is what especially
when you are young. Follow your instincts of shame and guilt. If you are going
to do something that might cause you to feel ashamed, guilty and lose your self
respect, you must try to stop yourself. Don't do it. If you have done it, don't
do it again. Life isn't worth much if you lose your self respect.
Anyway,
this is the sex education that I don't think many people want to hear but I am
sure you can understand what I have said if you still want to walk this path to
eternity.
Single
and yearning for a relationship
If you are single, hate to be alone and desperately want to find Mr. or Miss Right to be your intimate partner, I do understand your feelings. I must admit that I do believe in the law of kamma. If two persons are destined to be together, they will find each other sooner or later. So, never jump into a relationship that you know isn't right for you just for the sake of having someone. You will only live to regret it later. Never do anything that might make you lose your self respect especially if you are a woman.
As
far as kamma is concerned, it can be good previous kamma or bad which brings
two persons to spend a lifetime together. If it was good kamma, the marriage
will be smooth and successful. If it was bad kamma, it means that you are
brought together just to pay your previous debt. You'll be in the situation
where they say: "you cannot live with them but you cannot live without
them." When two persons are forced to bear and experience only pain and
grief inflicted upon each other, that is about paying debt. It depends on who
owed who in the past. I am sure you have seen enough examples from people
surrounding you as well as in the daily papers. Nevertheless, it also very much
depends on the present kamma. Bad consequences can be altered and made less
serious only if the couples understand dhamma and walk this path. I will talk
about kamma in my later chapters but as far as relationships are concerned, I
want to tell you this first. If you really want to walk the path, in not having
a partner and a family, it might turn out to be a blessing. You have less
people to worry about, should anything go wrong. The Buddha compared partners
to a chain that binds hands and legs together which makes you lose your
freedom. When your children come along, this chain not only binds your hands
and legs, it will bind your neck too and then you have even less freedom.
That's why the Buddha named his son Rahula which means chain.
Remember
that no one can possibly have everything perfect in life. If you truly want to
walk this path, although you don't have an intimate partner to share your life
with, you have to believe that you are more fortunate than many others who
might have a happy marriage but know nothing about this piece of good news. You
can always marry the dhamma later and you will never feel lonely again, ever.
Why do you think a successful monk can lead a celibate life? That is because they have found a
better kind of happiness. People who know nothing about meditation naturally
find sensual pleasures are the best. Among those sensual pleasures, sexual
feelings and orgasm are the most delicious. Those who are successful with their
meditation practice will nevertheless find happiness resulting from peace of
mind which is somehow is much greater than sensual pleasure. Peace of mind is a
much more refined type of happiness that can make men (monks) survive their
powerful sexual instinct. I am not a man so I have no idea what men's sexual
drive actually feels like and I cannot talk much about it. I am sure that it
must need a great deal of determination to bypass sex. However, once a monk or
a lay person has reached a certain level of meditation and experienced the
refined happiness, they can easily live without having sex.
You
too, if you are determined enough to walk this path, you will find the much
better type of happiness that cannot be compared to sex. As for now, please be
very patient and keep on following the guidelines in this book.
If
you are happy in just being single and do not want to have a relationship nor
commit yourself to anyone, and you also want to walk this path, it is even
better. You will have both time and freedom to do whatever you want to do
regarding the practice. You can walk quite quickly which depends on how much
effort you put into your practice.
As
far as sexual desire is concerned, the Buddha said that the most longed for and
desirable object to a man is a woman and the most longed for and desirable
object to a woman is a man. It is because sexual feeling is one of the most
powerful feelings in humans that people are often being bitten terribly by
their own sexual craving. When I was a little girl, parents, teachers and
elders always told us not to play with love too quickly (meaning don’t have any
boyfriends just yet) because love was hot and it could burn you badly. I did
not understand the full extent of those simple words until I had a relationship
myself. Love doesn’t only burn but also bites terribly too. There is hardly
anyone who can escape from the pain resulting from love, sex and relationships.
When things go well and smoothly, falling in love is a living heaven, but when
things go wrong, falling out of love and being rejected are sheer living hell. The younger you are, the more badly
love can bite and burn you.
The
following story tells us how love and infatuation could bite and burn a young
monk and how the Buddha taught his disciples to overcome such powerful
feelings. Western people may find this story rather offensive and even class it
as taboo. Please do understand that this was India over 2500 years ago and the
Buddha merely stated the truth and the facts of life. Please do not use our
modern judgment to judge people of a different time and culture.
During
the Buddha’s time in the city of Rajagaha (or Rajgir in modern India) ruled by
King Bimbisara, there was a very famous prostitute named Sirima. Every man not
only in this city but even far away had heard of her irresistible charm and most
striking beauty. It was a well-known fact that men in Rajagaha would pay up to
£1000[5]
so that they could spend a day with Sirima. It was hardly a surprise that
Sirima had made a great fortune out of her profession since there were plenty
of men queuing up just to have a glimpse of her.
Once,
Sirima was approached by a woman named Utara who gave her £7000 so that she
could entertain her husband for her for seven days. Utara was a devout Buddhist
and wanted to make a great offering to the Buddha and the Sangha, but her
husband was not a Buddhist. To be able to get on with her alms offering, her
father sent £7000 to his daughter and advised her to hire Sirima to entertain
her husband so that she could be relieved for seven days. This arrangement
worked out very well. The husband was infatuated with Sirima and let his wife
get on with the alms offering without bothering her. On the seventh day the
husband looked out of the window and saw his wife being busy in the kitchen
covered with sweat and soot from cooking. From the distance, the husband looked
at his wife with disdain and smiled with contempt. Sirima did not know what
that smile was all about. Although she was hired to do a job, she could not
help feeling jealous. She was curious to know to whom her client was smiling at
and then she saw Utara. Acting on the spur of the moment of jealousy, Sirima
rushed to the kitchen and intended to hurt Utara by any means. Utara was a very
intelligent as well as kind lady, so she could tell what was happening the moment
she saw Sirima rushing towards the hot oil pan. She quickly prayed to the
Buddha and asked her own virtue and goodness to protect her. Among the
horrified faces of all the servants in the kitchen and Utara herself, Sirima
attempted to throw a spoon of hot oil on Utara’s face three times but they all
missed for some reason. Utara wasn’t hurt at all.
Sirima
suddenly came to her senses, realised how wrong she was and felt terribly
guilty. She went down on her knees and trembled with fear. Utara sat down beside
her and tried to console her.
“Sister, why did you chose to do such awful kamma,” Utara said in a very
calm tone of voice and showed no animosity whatsoever.
Sirima
looked at the woman who had hired her to entertain her husband for seven days
and whom she had intended to hurt, and she was taken aback by her most unusual
serene reaction. This made her feel even more guilty. She cried and said
shakingly:
“Mistress, why aren’t you angry at me. It was you who were supposed to be
jealous of me and not the other way around. Indeed, I attempted to do the most
wicked kamma to you but how can you not hate me and be angry with me? How can
you be so peaceful and kind to me?”
“It is indeed the sublime Buddha who taught me how to remain calm and at
peace. It was him who taught me how to overcome anger and jealousy. Now, you
can understand why I hired you to look after my husband for seven days so that
I could have the time to do the great offering to the Worthy one and his Bhikkhus,"
Utara explained.
Sirima
listened attentively to Utara. Her heart was filled up with great delight on
hearing the word “Buddha” and how he could transform people’s lives. She begged
Utara to take her to see the Buddha. Upon the first meeting with the Buddha and
listening to his teaching, Sirima attained the first level of holiness and
became a Sotapanna. She then retired herself from her well known profession and
built herself a big house with a small fleet of servants who could help her do
the cooking. In trying to support
the Buddha and his Bhikkhus, Sirima invited eight monks to her household
every morning for alms. Gradually, a rota was set up for the monks at Weruwan
monastery to come and accept alms at Sirima’s household.
Sirima
was very generous with her offerings. She would first of all ask the monks to
come into her household, rest and have a drink while the servants would bring
all the well prepared food out to fill up the eight alms bowls. The food in
each alms bowl would be enough for the monks to take back and share with yet
another three to four monks. While the servants were busy with filling up the
monks’ alms bowls. Sirima would talk, entertain and ask dhamma questions to the
monks. When the servants had finished filling up all the alms bowls, Sirima
would do the offering and the monks would give her and the servants a blessing
by chanting. This arrangement had been going on for some time and all the monks
at Weruwan monastery not only knew about the generosity of Sirima but also her
incredible charm and striking beauty. The monks, especially those who had not
yet reached any level of holiness and were still in great battle with sexual
craving, looked forward to their turn to visit Sirima’s household so that they
could admire the beauty of this enchanting woman.
One
day, a monk came back from receiving alms at Sirima’s household, and brought
the food to share with one of his fellow young monks.
“How was it,
your visit to Sirima’s today?” the second monk asked.
“Well, as you
already know, she was extremely generous with her giving. My alms bowl was full
to the brim. I could share with four other monks easily. But the food is really
secondary compared to the beauty of this woman. I have never seen any woman as
beautiful as her,” the first monk went on.
The
second monk had not long arrived at the temple but he had already heard about
Sirima’s beauty from his previous town. His rota to receive alms at Sirima’s
was not due till a couple more days after. He could not wait till his turn to
see Sirima with his own eyes.
Sirima
fell ill a day before the second monk came to her household for alms. As a
result of her illness, she could not come out to entertain the monks like she
used to do. However, when the servants had finished with filling the alms bowls
and had informed her, with the assistance from the servants, she came out from
her bedroom to do the offering to the monks. Being ill and having been resting,
Sirima took away all her jewels and make up. She merely tidied herself up
without putting on any make up when she came out to greet the eight monks.
The
second monk who was longing for this moment was very anxious and his heart beat
was rising when he saw Sirima from a distance. He could hardly control his
excitement but he had to do his best to appear calm and serene. With the aids
of the servants, Sirima finally sat down in front of the monks, she did her
offering, palmed her hands together while the monks were chanting with the
words of blessing and congratulating the giving (dana) she had offered. While
the chanting was going on, the second monk could not help stealing a few looks
at Sirima. Having come face to face with the woman of whose beauty he had heard
so much, it did not take long before the young monk developed an infatuation
towards Sirima. Walking back to the monastery, his mind was filled with the
name Sirima and her beautiful image.
“She was absolutely gorgeous even though she was ill and without her
make up. I cannot imagine her beauty if she had been well and dressed up in her
full set of jewels,” the second monk told the first monk when he took him the
share of his food after he had arrived at the temple. The second monk went back
to his quarters and stared at the food which was the only link to Sirima. He
could not eat and did not want to eat for fear that he would wipe Sirima off
his mind. His infatuation began to have an effect on him and bit him terribly.
All day long, he stared at the food and uttered the name Sirima, Sirima,
Sirima. The news soon spread throughout Weruwan monastery and reached the ear
of the Buddha.
On
that night, Sirima died suddenly. Since she was one of the main supporters of
the Buddha, King Bimbisara informed the Buddha about the news. The Buddha
straight away found a way to teach his love bitten disciple as well as many
other monks who were drawn to Sirima’s beauty. The Buddha passed on the message
to King Bimbisara and told him to shift Sirima’s body to the open grave
situated in the south gate of the city.
“Set up guards to watch over
Sirima’s body and make sure that no animals can get hold of it. Then, tell the
subjects to get everyone in town to gather at the graveyard three days from
now,” the Buddha sent the message to King Bimbisara who granted his wish right
away.
Three
days after, a crowd of people began to build up at the graveyard according to
the order of the King. Only old people and children were allowed to stay home.
The Buddha was informed that the crowd was ready. He then told all his Bhikkhus
to follow him to the graveyard too. The love sick monk was so pleased that he
was going to see Sirima for the last time. He had not been sleeping nor eating
since the day he saw Sirima and he still kept the food he had from Sirima’s
household three days earlier which had become rotten and smelled quite
disgusting. When his monk friend came for him, he quickly threw the rotten food
away and followed the crowd of monks to the graveyard.
Just
like any other corpse in the graveyard, from once being a beautiful lady in
town, she had now been reduced to a discoloured and festering corpse. Liquid
was dripping out of the different splits of her body. There was no sign of
beauty left any longer. While waiting for the Buddha to arrive, the crowd could
not help but turning their heads away from the decomposing body.
At
the graveyard, the Buddha was standing at a prominent place surrounded by his
Bhikkhus, Bhikkhunis, male and female followers. He then asked King Bimbisara
who was standing by his side:
“Your
majesty, who is that corpse?”
“That is the body of Sirima, my Lord,” the King answered.
“So, that is Sirima,” the Buddha confirmed the King’s answer and nodded
his head slowly. He then continued:
“Your majesty, please ask one of your servants to speak up loudly in the
crowd right now. See if there is any man who is willing to pay £1000 for
Sirima.”
The King's servant took the order and shouted into the crowd and asked
people whether anyone would be willing to pay £1000 for Sirima. The crowd was
unusually quiet. Most of the men’s heads dropped low and avoided looking at the
King’s man for fear that they might give out the wrong message. The king’s
servant gradually dropped the price down from £1000 to £500, £100, £50, £10,
£5, £1, 50 pence to one penny but no one spoke up to claim Sirima. King
Bimbisara informed the Buddha that no one would have Sirima even though she was
given away for free.
The Buddha paused a little and said: “Listen carefully Bhikkhus. Look at
Sirima. This is the woman who used to be the most desirable object for so many
people. Just not long ago, men in Rajagaha would queue up to pay £1000 just to
be with her for a day. There have been only three days since she died but no
one wants her even for free. This beautiful body has ceased to live and is
being conditioned by the law of change. This is the truth of this body (rupa).
What happens to this body (rupa) also happens to other bodies. What happens to
other bodies also happens to this body (rupa).
Listen Bhikkhus, look at this rotten body which gives out a horrible
smell. It has bones, blood, flesh
and skin which had been created so perfectly by kamma. This body is very sad
indeed because it is subject to the law of change and it is not long lasting.
Yet, ignorant people still think of this body with great pleasure, easily
develop infatuation and want to cling to it.”
No sooner had the Buddha finished his teaching than a great number of
Bhikkhus and lay people understood the dhamma and gained different levels of
enlightenment. The young monk who had been bitten by love and infatuation, also
reached the first level of holiness and become a Sotapanna.
[1] In fact, the other important factor is kamma which brings two
persons together. It explains why one’s chemistry can only click with certain
persons and not everyone and make them feel right for each other. I won’t
confuse the issue now but I will talk about it in a later chapter when I talk
about the law of kamma.
[2] All mothers instinctively have close bonding to their babies.
Societies that have more mothers abandon their babies show the sickness of that
society. This event is on the increase in our society nowadays. In the end, we
have to come back to blame the cause that makes mothers break away from that
fundamental powerful instinct. They mainly root from political, financial and
social reasons. Female infanticide in China is purely politics. It means that
something has gone very wrong in that society. In the end, we have to talk
about the right kind of culture (enlightening culture) which can help to
maintain the balance of nature.
[3] By Anthony O’Hear, Daily Mail, page 10 Monday, May 8, 2000
[4] Daily Mail Monday, may 8, 2000
[5] The money currency used in the Buddha’s time was called
gahapana but I use pounds sterling here just for the sake of easy writing and understanding.